This is Part 5 of a 12-Part Series on Grief, Trauma, and Mental Health
Disclaimer: I have no training or background in the field of mental health. The thoughts expressed in this series should, in no way, be taken as professional mental health advice or a substitute for it; they are merely observations and insights that I have gleaned from reading, studying, and praying about these passages in scripture.
In the Christian community, if and when the 39 chapters "in between" are acknowledged, the conversation is typically about Job's 3 friends, and "what terrible friends they were". But I think we're being too judgmental, because Job's friends were only human, and they got a lot of things right.
First and foremost, Job's 3 friends showed up!
"When three of Job's friends heard of the tragedy he had suffered, they got together and traveled from their homes to comfort and console him." (Job 2:11)
Second, they grieved with him!
"When they saw Job from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to show their grief." (Job 2:12)
Next, they stayed with him!
"Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights." (Job 2:13)
Many people showed up, but there were 3 friends who were in it for the long haul! Again, these people may not be the ones you might expect, and it's possible they will be family members, professional counselors, or clergy; we are not called to be this type of friend for everyone we meet, and God will intentionally call different friends at different times in our lives. If you are feeling called to drop off food, send a card, run an errand, mow a lawn, or simply pray for someone, those are all important things too and you need not feel guilty about that; do whatever God has called you to do, whenever He calls you to do it! ... But for the friends who are called to stay, the next thing they did was probably the wisest, least practiced, and most helpful thing they possibly could have done:
"No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words."
Oh how I wish someone had told me what a gift this was! I fear I have failed to do this far too many times because, let's be honest: this is really hard to do! And most of us don't do it well! It's hard to just sit with someone in the silence; most of us feel very uncomfortable in the silence because we feel compelled to do something, and it feels as if we aren't really doing anything. But we are doing something; we are just being with them in their pain and loss.
And then his friends did another thing that seems pretty passive; they waited in the silence for Job to speak first - even if that took a week!
Once Job was finally ready to talk about it, they listened as he poured out his heart and soul to them.
But, what happened next is the critical point at which things took a turn for the worse! Because, like most if not all of us do, after listening to Job express his feelings, they felt compelled to try to explain, fix, and give advice!
I have done it myself - too many times to count - and I have been on the receiving end of it. And this is where the wrong "counseling", especially spiritual counseling, whether from a paid professional, spiritual advisor, or a friend, can do more harm than good.
33 of the 39 chapters "in between" are a spiritual back-and-forth debate between Job and his friends trying to make sense of what has happened ... and his friends are of the opinion that, because God is just, and because God rewards those who earnestly seek Him and allows consequences for those who don't, certainly Job must have done something wrong for God to allow this to happen. Job must somehow be responsible for his own pain, suffering, and loss. ... So in addition to overwhelming grief, they inadvertently added a dose of guilt, shame, and condemnation into the mix!
I think, generally speaking, Christians are far more likely to do this - even with the best of intentions - because, at some level, we feel a need to "defend" God or to "defend" our faith. The 39 chapters "in between" read like a criminal trial with God as the accused, Job leading the prosecution, and Job's friends leading the defense team, and, sadly, their efforts to defend God not only failed to help Job or comfort him, but they just made things worse, to the point of negating everything they had done up until that point.
© I Lift My Voice, 2023
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