No Means No!
This is Part 2 of a 5-Part Series on the Bible and the Me Too Movement
TRIGGER WARNING:
This 5-part Series on the Me Too movement contains biblical descriptions of rape, sexual assault, and violence, which may be triggering for survivors.
In the previous story, we don't know how Dinah reacted to her sexual assault; did she scream? Did she fight back? ... Or was she paralyzed with fear, her screams inaudible to anyone but herself and God? Sadly, in "Revenge Against Shechem", Dinah seemingly has no voice. But 2 Samuel 13:1-22, titled, "The Rape of Tamar", tells us a great deal about Tamar, the rape itself, and her reactions to it, in addition to shedding light on how the men around her reacted or responded.
It is roughly 1000 years BC/BCE, and Tamar is a princess, and as the daughter of King David, she would have possessed wealth, status, and power. However, as part of a monarchy and a very large and extended polygamous family, there is a very clear and distinct hierarchy. Amnon, Tamar's half-brother and King David's eldest son, who would be next in line to the throne, would have been arguably one of the most powerful men, not only within the family, but in the entire kingdom.
Amnon thinks he is in love with Tamar, but because she is his half-sister, she is off-limits. He becomes " ... so obsessed with Tamar that he became ill." (verse 2), and his misery and depression went on for some time. Amnon could have had almost any woman in the kingdom, but he wanted the one woman he couldn't have (and if you are familiar with the story of King David and Bathsheba, it would seem that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!). At one point, his cousin, Jonadab, confronts him about this, saying, " ...'What's the trouble? Why should the son of a king look so dejected morning after morning'" (2 Samuel 13:4). Amnon thinks this is "love", but truth be told, it seems like he is far more in love with the idea of Tamar; it is as if he has an image of her in his mind that represents a fantasy that can never really be fulfilled.
So he and Jonadab come up with a scheme to get Tamar to come to his house. Amnon will pretend to be sick and ask his father to send Tamar over to his house to help nurse him back to health. Once Tamar arrives and has started to prepare food for him, he tells all of his servants to leave so that he will be alone with her. And once alone, Amnon tells her to come serve his food to him in his bedroom; he has been in his bed "sick", so it is not like this is overtly questionable. However, he has gradually changed the circumstances and the environment so that everyone around him, including Tamar, goes along with it, leaving her in a very vulnerable position. While Tamar is feeding him his meal, he grabs her and demands she have sex with him.
There are aspects of this scenario that sound very similar to many #MeToo stories of today, whether in Hollywood, the workplace, or the home; unfortunately, there are some things that really haven't changed much in roughly 3000 years. You have a very powerful or influential man and an imbalance of power. You have someone in a position of authority who is willing to lie and manipulate to get what they want. In this case, as in many others, it is someone the victim knew and should have been able to trust. You have people all around, including the victim(s), who, although they never would have agreed to the situation that ultimately occurs, are manipulated so subtly and so gradually that they go along with things until the victim is put in an increasingly vulnerable position.
"No, my brother!", she cried, "Don't be foolish! Don't do this to me!" (verse 12)
Tamar tries to reason with Amnon by warning him of the consequences for both of them if he follows through on it. "Such wicked things aren't done in Israel. Where could I go in my shame? And you would be called one of the greatest fools in Israel." (verse 13)
And then she tries negotiating and pleading with him: "Please, just speak to the king about it, and he will let you marry me." (verse 13)
Tamar is doing whatever she can think of to try to get out of her situation, but Amnon "wouldn't listen to her" and was "stronger than she was", and he raped her (verse 14).
I think it's important to pause here and clarify a few things. Although Amnon grabs Tamar, there is no indication in these verses that this encounter was violent. And, because none of the servants came running to her rescue, we can assume that Tamar didn't scream. Instead, she did what many do. She tried to reason with him. She tried to find a way out of her situation. And, while scripture indicates Amnon was stronger than Tamar was, that doesn't necessarily mean he used force.
This wasn't violent. Tamar didn't scream. She didn't fight back physically. ... But Tamar said no, and this is described in the Bible as "rape", so, apparently, "No means no!" ... even 1000 years BC/BCE!
Immediately after raping her, Amnon's feelings toward Tamar change; "Suddenly, Amnon's love turned to hate, and he hated her even more than he had loved her. 'Get out of here!' he snarled at her." (verse 15)
My guess is, one of two things happened: either Amnon never really loved her in the first place, but was just so caught up in the idea of her, that his fantasy was now shattered, and he no longer wanted anything to do with her; or, it's possible that in his own mind, he somehow blamed her. It was her fault he had done this to her, and he didn't want the constant reminder of his sin staring him in the face. My guess is, it was probably a combination of both, but at any rate, he sends her away, and wants nothing to do with her.
Many survivors don't want anyone to know about what has happened to them, and they will keep it a secret for days, months, years, or even a lifetime. But Tamar couldn't hide her anger or her overwhelming grief. She tore her robe (which was an outward symbol of her value as a virgin princess) and put ashes on her head (an outward sign of grief that lets everyone know you are grieving), and she went away crying. Make no mistake about it, this had affected her deeply and profoundly, and she was incapable of hiding her feelings about it. If social media had existed at the time, I think it's safe to say that Tamar would've been one of the first ones to post #MeToo.
When Tamar's full brother, Absalom, finds out about what happened, he is furious, and he "hated Amnon deeply" because of it (verse 22), but he never spoke to Amnon about it, and he tells Tamar to "keep quiet for now because he's your brother" (verse 20). King David was very angry as well, but failed to hold his firstborn son accountable. Sadly, just like Amnon, Absalom, and King David, there can be a tendency, even today, to protect the guilty and blame the innocent, whether it's because the perpetrator is a beloved family member, or a powerful person within an organization or a community. And, as it frequently is today, there would be no consequences for it because of his position, power, and influence.
However, two years later, after a great deal of thought and planning, Absalom arranges for Amnon's murder. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like this brings much closure for Tamar, and to the best of our knowledge, she was never able to fully recover; she "lived as a desolate woman in her brother Absalom's house." (verse 20)
Tamar, a beautiful, wealthy, powerful young woman, was never able to "just get over it". It had changed her self-image and her sense of identity. It had destroyed her confidence and her sense of security. It had changed her relationships with men and her ability to enjoy intimacy, and it had shattered the future she had planned for her life.
Things would never be the same for Tamar ... but there was a God who loved her, valued her, and respected her. A God she could trust. A God who is " ...not a man that He should lie." (Numbers 23:19) ... A God who saw her too.
Whether you are male or female, your value and worth does not depend upon other people's treatment of you, your past experiences, or your sexual or marital status. And, if you have been victimized in some way, while you may understandably never be the same, God can, over time, meet you in your grief, help you through your pain and trauma, and show you the divine value and worth you have in the One who created you.
© I Lift My Voice, 2022.
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